I am ok! I have to sit here and I have to write that I am ok because if I don’t I will not be ok. I will fall apart.. I will fall out of my chair and roll into a ball and start sobbing hysterically. Again. So. I am ok! I AM ok! I’m ok!
Ironically, this morning I posted that I was doing well on my new meds and that I didn’t know how long that would last but I didn’t care. I would take it for as long as I could have it. I am still doing well on the meds. It is the meds that are keeping me together right now. I’m not fighting with my head. I’m fighting with my heart. It’s broken yet again. It’s aching and I’m not sure how to make it stop. I knew it was about to happen, but there is no way to make it stop when it’s inevitable.
I need happy. I wrote about happy over the weekend. I posted 5 ways to get there. Granted they were suggested by Pinterest, but still. I haven’t even looked at the list. What good is a list if you aren’t going to use it? I’ve never been a list person anyway. What was I thinking?
I am ok…. no I’m not. I’m really not.
My eyes are swollen from all of the crying and I feel like I’m hungover from it. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep… it’s one of those nights where you think “Why isn’t it bedtime yet? Normally I don’t have enough time in the damn day. Now I have more than I need!” It’s one of those fricking nights! It’s not even time for reality tv where I could at least make an attempt to lose myself in someone else’s life other than my own for an hour… or at least until it was a decent time to take more medicine.
I found relief for my head… I need relief for my heart. I just want to stop crying… I just…. want to stop….
I AM ok! I am OK!
I can’t stay on here and type “I am ok!” all night long. I’m just afraid to stop.
What am I going to do?