I am OK… I AM ok!

I am ok! I have to sit here and I have to write that I am ok because if I don’t I will not be ok. I will fall apart.. I will fall out of my chair and roll into a ball and start sobbing hysterically. Again. So. I am ok! I AM ok! I’m ok!

Ironically, this morning I posted that I was doing well on my new meds and that I didn’t know how long that would last but I didn’t care. I would take it for as long as I could have it. I am still doing well on the meds. It is the meds that are keeping me together right now. I’m not fighting with my head. I’m fighting with my heart. It’s broken yet again. It’s aching and I’m not sure how to make it stop. I knew it was about to happen, but there is no way to make it stop when it’s inevitable.

I need happy. I wrote about happy over the weekend. I posted 5 ways to get there. Granted they were suggested by Pinterest, but still. I haven’t even looked at the list. What good is a list if you aren’t going to use it? I’ve never been a list person anyway. What was I thinking?

I am ok…. no I’m not. I’m really not.

BREATH…..

Breath….

breath….

My eyes are swollen from all of the crying and I feel like I’m hungover from it. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep… it’s one of those nights where you think “Why isn’t it bedtime yet? Normally I don’t have enough time in the damn day. Now I have more than I need!” It’s one of those fricking nights! It’s not even time for reality tv where I could at least make an attempt to lose myself in someone else’s life other than my own for an hour… or at least until it was a decent time to take more medicine.

I found relief for my head… I need relief for my heart. I just want to stop crying… I just…. want to stop….

I AM ok!  I am OK!

I can’t stay on here and type “I am ok!” all night long. I’m just afraid to stop.

What am I going to do?

5 thoughts on “I am OK… I AM ok!

  1. I know this feeling feels horrible and it feels like it will never end. I wish I had answers for you on how to make this feeling go away… Just know that you will move through this feeling. One day it won’t feel this bad. Having bipolar means that we will always cycle out of the darkness eventually. What I have found is that when I come out of the “I want to die” I busy my ass to build up my resilience. This helps to lessen the blows of the deep blues for me. And if things get too tough call a friend, parent, sibling, who ever. Even if you just bum on the couch at least you will be safer and not alone. My BFF lets me Skype her when I get really bad. We call it “Skype support.” I will just lay in my bed and sleep while works/cleans/etc. I hope some of this helps you. Hang in and hang on!
    -WK

    1. I’m trying. I have some work issues I’m dealing with on top of it which are making me soooo angry I can hardly stand it. But the hurt is just…. I don’t even know. One minute I’m crying about that the next it’s the heart…. Thank you for being there.

  2. Katechick

    Stay strong, you will get there. I have been there too, with a red swollen face and sore throat from sobbing and sometimes there has been no reason at all, except for the feeling of deep melancholy and a breaking heart. All I know is it will ease. Just be sure I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and positivity.

    1. Thank you. It’s been a really rough day. School is out and because of my absences due to the bipolar issue I’m not getting summer school this year. I’m stressed out on top if everything else. Feels like everything is falling apart. But I’ll get through it.

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