Been stewin’ on this for a bit…

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I looked through the small thin pane of glass and there he was… laughing with his friends.  How dare he do that. I’m effing miserable ALL. THE. TIME. and he’s kickin back laughing and enjoying himself – with friends on top of it all.

That’s when it hit me – not that it hasn’t in the past I’m just a seriously slow/stubborn learner – that I want that happiness.   And, if he’s going to be so damn happy all the time at what I preceive to be at my expense of course (which is in true, honest, no bullshit reality, never the case) then I definitely want it for myself.

So I have set out (again) on this pursuit of happiness.  I know it’s not that everyone is happy 24/7. Really, I know that. But I have this all or nothing issue which I am working on and I’ll just have to hope when I get the happiness thing figured out I will beable to accept it in small doses.

So what can I do to find it.  It doesn’t exist naturally in me.  I don’t care what you tell me.  It may have originally but it has left the building after all these years.  I need to bring it back. Reintroduce it to my person. I do have small moments of what appears to be happy times. I’m not angry anyway. I know the difference because anger is so physical for me. I just need to stretch them out without feeling so damn uncomfortable.

So off I went to Pinterest… where I often go when I need some inspiration – don’t judge! And, I found the quote above. I thought I might give it a whirl.

1) Free your heart from hatred  I, ah… I don’t really hate people. Unless it’s the dumb boy and I’m having a bad day with him and I’m 12. Then I hate him… like a 12 year old. But actual adult hate. No. I don’t have that. So….. CHECK. I got that one covered!!!!!

2) Free your mind from worries Yeah, I’m screwed here. This one is going to take awhile. This is an entire decade of therapy… Work in progress here… maybe I’ll just accept that and look ahead… come back to this one.

3) Live simply Hmmmm… lots of room for interpretation here. The fact that nothing is simple in my life scares me a little. However, my friends tell me I am very simple minded. That could be a good thing… could work in my favor. Again… there is room to work here. Not a CHECK here tho.

4) Give More Oh, I SOOOOO have this covered. CHECK CHECK CHECK. I have zero problems giving. In fact, giving IS a problem. I should probably look into HOW I give.

5) Expect Less I had a panic attack just typing that….. this is going to suck.

I’m sure it will be worth it. I am so tired of being wrenched in agony all of the time. Seriously.. it’s agony. I’m not great with words, but I’ve nailed it with this one.

So I’m off today to free my mind from worry. … Seems like a good place to start. I suppose if all else fails I could go back to Pinterest and look for something easier.

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