I am so angry!
The kind of angry that when ordinarily I’m not sure I believe there is a god… I’m sure there is one right now and I’m yelling and screaming – sobbing and pleading with him because I can’t deal with the bullshit of this disease anymore.
Normally I’d feel guilty being pissed at God because there are so many others who are WAY less fortunate than I am. But today! I! Don’t! Care!
He did this to me as far as I’m concerned. The joke is over. Stop. I’m 47 years old. At this point, I’m doing the same stupid shit. Obviously I’m not going to “learn my lesson”. I’m still going to keep getting hurt over and over and over again. I’m not hurting anyone but myself and I’m not even hurting myself in the sense that I’m causing physical damage. No cutting – not suicidal.
I’m just so, so, so impulsive. I want everything right now! I want your attention and I want it now! And, like a 2 year old, when I don’t get it I throw a tantrum…. I get so out of control that I can’t deal with myself. The problem is I’ll go along just fine. I’ll be a perfectly (relatively perfect) functioning 47 year old, teaching professional – just fine and all of a sudden – I don’t get a text back when I think I should for instance and in a half a second I snap. I don’t even have the time to do the things my therapist and I have set into place to stop myself from snapping. Sure before and after the fact I can see what I can do to maybe avoid it from happening, but it happens so quick that I can’t react… And then I’m in it. And I go and it builds and it turns into this awful, disgusting mess and I have lost control. Before I know it I’m sure I have screwed up everything and I’ll never talk to him again…
And so what if I don’t.. Seriously, so what if I didn’t? This has happened so many times to me in the past. I’ve survived every time! Even now that I’m through this – don’t know if I will talk to him again or not – I know it’s just a phase. I’ll move on. But the point still remains that I do this again… and the emotional pain in the moment turns physical in my body and it is so awful. The embarrassment of it is hideous. I could make lists of this occurring…. I have analyzed it with my therapist. I have tried to decide why I do it…. what’s missing… what’s the need? What the hell makes them so fucking special? I got absolutely nothin’. It. just… comes out.. of… nowhere.
For what? For a second of happiness… or for a second of a calming in my body… like I can imagine maybe a hit from a drug maybe. But it doesn’t last. I know it doesn’t. I’ve known it since I was 13. It’s the same shit 34 years later.
I just want to be happy…. I want to not have the spinning in my head all of the time. I don’t want to be so impulsive all the time… I want to breathe… and feel like my insides aren’t in a constant battle with my head… I’m tired of crying, of actually sobbing… of fighting with God. He doesn’t even listen….
I’m just tired of it all…. For God’s sake just make it stop!