anyone? anyone?

Tell me where did we go wrong
If it’s all good intentions 
Why are we scared of living
Yeah the weight of the world
Its hard enough to hold already
Why does it gotta be so heavy
Baby it’s the little things
Maybe we can change the world
One heart at a time

— Love Too Much, Hunter Hayes

He said that I need to fill the void. How many therapist have told you that? Let’s see a show of hands… anyone? anyone? It’s not like I haven’t tired.


Ok, maybe I haven’t. Unless trying to shove every Tom, Dick and Harry into it isn’t the answer. AND CLEARLY it’s not the answer. So I asked him… or not, maybe I’m asking you.

How do YOU fill the void?

Frankly, I’m scared to death of the void. It’s been there for so long. It’s dark and scary and never ending. It’s rainy in there… storm clouds all the time. No wonder no one wants in. It’s not a pleasant place to be. It’s not at all a pleasant place to talk about especially on a beautiful Saturday morning like today.

So, for another day I will avoid the gap and act as if it’s all sunshine, rainbows and puppy dogs. It’s gotten me by for this long. Eventually I’ll need to start making my way down there. Maybe you guys have some tips. I don’t know… Seems like we are all genuinely in this together. Therapists, medicine, meetings… journeys to hell and back…

I’m sure I have the answer and I’m just too stubborn or too afraid to do the work… sometimes it’s easier to “stay sick”. After 20+ years of being recognizably sick I can honestly say that there are days it is easier. I DID NOT say more pleasant. Easier. Less work. But the pain of the Tom, Dick and Harry’s in and out of my life is taking a toll…..

6 thoughts on “anyone? anyone?

  1. I wish I had words of encouragement… It’s my college graduation. Suppose to be one if the happiest days of my life and I’m crying in a bathroom stool in my cap, gown and accolades, trying to decide where to bolt or not.

    Maybe the key isn’t to fill this “void.” I feel like it’s never going to be gone no matter how much we try. Some kind of void will always persist. Maybe the key is to lean into the pain. Learn to not be afraid of it. And befriend it. Give it less power. Cause what’s the alternative? I don’t know. Wish I had better things to say

  2. Quick question before I answer the question at hand. What have you lost that has created a void? In other words, what should be there that isn’t? One of my many voids was having a crack head mother. I spent most of my life unsuccessfully trying to feel that void.

    1. That is a great question. My mother wasn’t a crack head she was suffering from being abused by her father so she wasn’t available to raise me and my father was busy trying to take care of her… I suppose that is my void…. They are trying hard now that I’m 48 and doing a pretty great job unfortunately I think the space is still there. I’m not sure.

      1. What I can tell you is they are the only people that can fill that void. With acknowledgement comes healing and with healing comes understanding. You are on the right track with this thing. I think you need and deserves answers, even if you think the questions are small or unimportant.

        Just from the little you have told me, it seems you were put on the back burner and you missed the security all children need. I started my process at 24 (I am now 27) when my mother was released from prison. I spent a year of that hating her, not realizing I was only hurting myself. My first step was writing down how the absence of my mother made me feel. How it affected me and the choices I made. From there I was able to write questions I needed and wanted answers to. I I got to a point where I was able to ask every question I ever had. As I began to heal I began to understand. I look forward to reading more of your blog.

      2. Thank you for sharing that with me. I carry around a tremendous amount of guilt most of the time about dealing with myself. Like I don’t deserve to take care of myself. Talking about it like this and listening to other people’s experiences help with that. I hadn’t even thought to identify what I might be missing until now… Thank you for that.

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