Still wrestling with that one….


I have had several discussions about this very idea. I do not understand God. And, for a very long time I didn’t think I even believed in him. During a therapy session the other day I was saying how angry I was at “him” and my therapist said to me that the fact that I was angry with “him” at all proved that I believed in something……..

I am still wrestling with that one.

I’m a high school teacher and for most of the 1st semester this year the entire city came together – as did much of the nation thanks Good Morning America – to raise money and support a teenager dying from stage 4 colon cancer. She was apparently the youngest to ever suffer and subsequently die from it. She passed away shortly after Thanksgiving. Sarah was exactly as you would have guessed – sweet, beautiful, great student, well liked by everyone who met her…….. extremely unfair. I’m not sure I personally did what I could to be actively involved. I bought some things they sold to raise money, but for the most part I sat back angry. I never met her. She was a student at the other high school in our district, but my students knew her and talked about her a lot. Even though I never met her, I was very angry… I didn’t have to know her to feel like it was extremely unfair.

Sarah was 16…. I am still wrestling with that one….

I’m not sure how much this post will have to do, actually, with the topic of Free Will as much as it will with the idea of Good and Evil… I don’t claim to have religious discussions. I just talk. However, in all of the discussions I’ve had about “good and evil”, I think I’ve reached an agreement with nearly everyone. Yes, I agree that without “evil” I don’t believe we would experience happiness…. I would love to think that we could, but I get it. I really get it.

So why such an issue for me then? Is it because I have experienced evil in my own world? In my opinion it’s nothing compared to what poor Sarah’s family had to experience. I’m still not sure I didn’t bring mine on myself…  I’ve had enough therapy at this point in my life to know, intellectually, that I did not bring it on myself. But,  emotionally I’m not there… However,  I KNOW that neither Sarah nor anyone in her family brought it on for her… THAT makes me angry. THAT I don’t understand.

I can’t claim to not be evil. The definition of evil itself is “profound immorality” and if you’ve read the last couple of posts of mine, at the very least, I’ve got immorality covered. I’m not proud of it. I’m aware of it. I am coming full circle with it – for lack of a better way to talk about it. I am not at all trying to make excuses for it. I deserve what I get in the end… But… kids… that freaks me out.. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that is really my issue. Maybe that is where all of my babbling right here is headed.

I do not understand why kids need to be a part of the “good and evil”. I suppose there is no point system in God’s plan. I suppose this is where the actual discussion of Free Will starts to form. I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I’m still wrestling with that one….

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