For as long as I can remember I have lived my life in pieces.. played all out in very separate roles. Each of them stays in tiny compartments in my head until I need them. When necessary I bring them out and I play them and then return them where they came from. Until just recently they didn’t consciously interact. I can’t explain why they had to be so different. I don’t understand why I had to be one person for my mother. One person for my sister…. but I am finding out, 40 years later, that it was clearly a matter of survival.
There is the daughter compartment. There is one for the sister. There was one for the fat girl on the all boy dead-end road in the country. The “little girl” next door. The piano “prodigy”: The athlete. I have been the student. I have been the friend. The wife and the ex-wife. Currently, I am the girl friend. And, there are so many more that I can’t even speak of… Don’t get me wrong, they are all me. They are all Jami Louise. No multiple personalities… definitely no question who you are interacting with.
It was just necessary growing up in my family. It was so important to my father that no one actually see who we really were. To this day no one really knows. To this day anyone looking in still sees bright, sunny skies – not the dark storm clouds and tornadoes and tsunamis. Which, I suppose, is how it should be for everyone. But, it took a huge toll on me.
Yesterday I posted about Jason and Lee. I didn’t want to post it, but I needed to. Keeping it all inside isn’t going to help me get to a resolution. If I lose readers because I’m a total piece of crap – which, believe me, I finally feel like, then so be it. I’m not here for readers. I’m here to write. Yesterday was a step towards bringing “the me” who has an active relationship with Jason together with “the me” who has an active relationship with Lee. Understanding completely, of course, that I do not deserve him. But I will get to that and I will do the right thing. I know I will.
Until recently I would see Jason and shut the door on it and it was as if it just didn’t happen. I would return “Jason Jami” to the compartment in my head and say good night… until next time. My therapist asked about guilt. Yes, I felt guilt, but it was guilt about not feeling any. NOTE: I said until recently… that has changed. Since I started therapy, that has changed. I am getting stronger. I know that because that compartment that I have been shoving Jason into … well…. I don’t know what is happening exactly, but I guess the compartments in general… they are all sort of opening up at the same time and I’m realizing that I’m all one person and that they don’t or I don’t get to behave differently in different situations anymore. I had to do it growing up… and it became how I did things. I have been doing it for so long that I didn’t even realize I was doing it…
After all of these year I think I have developed a conscience or something. That thought is going to drive me to the xanax bottle here in just a bit because I know that through my sickness I have done some seriously horrible things – other than cheat on my boyfriend – that sicken me. Until now, I have always just shut them all up in a compartment in my brain. Sometimes I never went back to visit them. Now that I’m getting stronger… now that things are coming together… (or are they actually falling apart, damn, I don’t know) what am I really going to be dealing with?
I know that I need to bring myself together. I also know I am going to lose a very important person in my life out of it. It’s a struggle but I cannot continue to do what I’m doing. To him… or to me. I’m going to have to just keep doing this… keep sorting through everything. Keep writing and keep going to therapy. I can’t let go now.