So my last post was about people leaving. The pattern in my life. I’ve talked a lot about this guy that I can’t get rid of… or won’t get rid of… or whatever it is that is happening. He consumes me. His name is Jason.
Here comes the most horrible part about it. I have an amazing boyfriend. A M A Z I N G. I don’t deserve him. His name is Lee.
Obviously they are not the same guy and I am a piece of crap.
I think I’ve been hiding behind my illness so that I can have both of them. I’ve been using it. I’m so good at this “illness” thing. I have lived with it for so long. I know it so well.
The great manipulator…….
I’ve been seeing my old therapist again recently. I worked with him for about 10 years – about 10 years ago. It would be more than fair to say that he saved my life back then. It would also be fair to say that I got a lot better back then… but in the time since then I wonder if I’ve learned how to use my illness to my advantage so that I don’t have to take responsiblilty for growing up? Is it the nature of my disease or am I making it that way?
The great manipulator……
Anyway… people leaving. I cry and complain about the one who isn’t my boyfriend coming in and out of my life whenever he wants. How I let him – How I invite him with open arms and how it wrecks me. I posted an entry yesterday afternoon… last night Lee and I had a disagreement and off he went… literally walked right out the door. I couldn’t breath. We don’t fight. He gets me – to an extent. But, lastnight he’d had it and he left. I couldn’t breath… Did I mention that?
So I sat down in the middle of my living room and sobbed… Paisley, my basset hound, curled up in my lap – the best her very large self could – and licked up my tears and stared at me with her very sad eyes…. and I cried some more…. and even as I sit here right now typing this up I’m not sure why I was crying so despartely. I mean, I know I was crushed that he left. I was hurt deeply that we argued… I was scared to death that he might not come back… So, I guess that makes sense. Even a “normal” person would have those feelings. But, would they text the “other one” for sympathy? No… that’s just plain sick, stupid and messed up.
My therapist says to stop judging my feelings. He says that when I finally realize that I don’t deserve to be treated like crap I will let go of the “other one” – not necessarily at the expense of losing the one that treats me as I deserve to be treated. It’s like he is giving me a free pass to be a total piece of crap. And, being the total piece of crap that I am……. I’m taking it…. or am I? I don’t even know.
The great manipulator…. No, I’m very sure it’s not the disease. It’s me. That’s why I was crying and that is why they leave.