I am so angry!
The kind of angry that when ordinarily I’m not sure I believe there is a god… I’m sure there is one right now and I’m yelling and screaming – sobbing and pleading with him because I can’t deal with the bullshit of this disease anymore.
Normally I’d feel guilty being pissed at God because there are so many others who are WAY less fortunate than I am. But today! I! Don’t! Care!
He did this to me as far as I’m concerned. The joke is over. Stop. I’m 47 years old. At this point, I’m doing the same stupid shit. Obviously I’m not going to “learn my lesson”. I’m still going to keep getting hurt over and over and over again. I’m not hurting anyone but myself and I’m not even hurting myself in the sense that I’m causing physical damage. No cutting – not suicidal.
I’m just so, so, so impulsive. I want everything right now! I want your attention and I want it now! And, like a 2 year old, when I don’t get it I throw a tantrum…. I get so out of control that I can’t deal with myself. The problem is I’ll go along just fine. I’ll be a perfectly (relatively perfect) functioning 47 year old, teaching professional – just fine and all of a sudden – I don’t get a text back when I think I should for instance and in a half a second I snap. I don’t even have the time to do the things my therapist and I have set into place to stop myself from snapping. Sure before and after the fact I can see what I can do to maybe avoid it from happening, but it happens so quick that I can’t react… And then I’m in it. And I go and it builds and it turns into this awful, disgusting mess and I have lost control. Before I know it I’m sure I have screwed up everything and I’ll never talk to him again…
And so what if I don’t.. Seriously, so what if I didn’t? This has happened so many times to me in the past. I’ve survived every time! Even now that I’m through this – don’t know if I will talk to him again or not – I know it’s just a phase. I’ll move on. But the point still remains that I do this again… and the emotional pain in the moment turns physical in my body and it is so awful. The embarrassment of it is hideous. I could make lists of this occurring…. I have analyzed it with my therapist. I have tried to decide why I do it…. what’s missing… what’s the need? What the hell makes them so fucking special? I got absolutely nothin’. It. just… comes out.. of… nowhere.
For what? For a second of happiness… or for a second of a calming in my body… like I can imagine maybe a hit from a drug maybe. But it doesn’t last. I know it doesn’t. I’ve known it since I was 13. It’s the same shit 34 years later.
I just want to be happy…. I want to not have the spinning in my head all of the time. I don’t want to be so impulsive all the time… I want to breathe… and feel like my insides aren’t in a constant battle with my head… I’m tired of crying, of actually sobbing… of fighting with God. He doesn’t even listen….
I’m just tired of it all…. For God’s sake just make it stop!
In approximately 1 hour and 23 minutes I see my psychiatrist which means I have exactly that much time to figure out how to get across to her that my head is spinning and spinning and spinning and won’t slow down and if it continues to behave like this I will not be able to continue….. Basically, I feel as though I will cease to exist.
Here’s the problem. I’m going to a psychiatrist…. need I say more? Sometimes they listen and sometimes they don’t… it’s a crapshoot really. I’ve been seeing psychiatrists for 20+ years. While I’ve been lucky, I’m still the crazy one and for whatever reason… they aren’t always receptive to listening to what I need… However, she’s a new one maybe it won’t be so difficult. Along with Bipolar meds I’ve been on ADHD for the spinning in the past… She took over my case not too long ago after my most recent stay in the local Mental Health Resort and at the time she didn’t want to complicate my new meds. Frankly, I was on board with that. At this point, I am no longer on board with that! Unfortunately I’m not sure if she will listen to me when I say I cannot continue to “spin round, round baby round, round” because it’s killing me!
I now have 35 minutes to come up with something convincing…
The boy rich with words of wisdom for me (refer to “No Space” if interested) says to me…..
“I’m sorry…. just don’t live in the past”.
And because he’s obviously so brilliant I began to over think his comment. …. because I’m so obviously brilliant.
I don’t think I’m living in the past actually. I think that the past is living IN me. That is the reason I’m running all of the time. Hell yeah I’m running from myself. I’m running to get away from the past so I don’t constantly have to live in it. It sucks… These feelings of back and forth and constant fear of tomorrow or next week or even an hour from now.
The problem is… or so the truly brilliant one – my therapist – seems to be getting at is that I’m running right back into the damn fire. Apparently I’m seeking out the same stuff that makes me feels so crappy because it’s “comfortable”???
I said it last post. I’ll say it again. What the hell is wrong with me? Besides the obvious – stop listening to the less brilliant one. Actually, stop communicating, sharing space with, obsessing over is the correct answer there but that’s part of the crap I am apparently running to for comfort.
I am so screwed.
I’m so, so tired of this constant battle between my head and my body.
I have no space left.
No space for you in my mind…
in my body…
in my heart…
I have kept you here for two years making every excuse I could to whoever will listen just to have you here. I have let you treat me with the most disgusting disregard…. listening all along to you tell me that I should respect myself… that I am a good person… that I am beautiful and smart… that I deserve good things…. and good people in my life. Tell me Jason, if this is true… tell me, who, in the last 2 years that we’ve been seeing each other, have you told about me? About this good, smart, amazing person? Yeah, that’s how fucking special I am.
And yet I continue to make excuses to let you in my space… to be in your space. I make excuses for YOU… I sit here waiting for YOU to change…
What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!?