Pain (throwback #1)

i started this attack – triggered it with my own curiosity…
the need to feel someone else’s pain
now wrenched in my own
bleeding pain
breathing pain
breaking… go away!

growing tired, suddenly…
my mind sickeningly wishing not to leave this place
no talking, no writing… stay numb.
all of me living in its hell.
thoughts once racing now sit freezing in muck in my head…
it creeps into the pores of my logic
paralyzing what is good…

freezing out a rescue team of Lorazapam, Remeron and more.
eating away at the progress they have been protecting.
Shaking
breathing out but bringing very little back in
fists clenching – pushing, pulling
creating a diversion

nothing seems to succeed in this attempt to rid my body of …
this virus.
there is a key
is it sleep
is it tears
forgiveness of my sins
deliverance from the grips of hell?

breathing steadies
say it, say it again and again
start with ‘be’ and end with ‘done’
say it, spell it, sing it
slow it all down and then turn your back.
it’s not working.

it will.

the muck will melt leaving thoughts
ideas racing to destinations unknown.
no destinations, no explanations
to easy to cop out
let down
surrender control
sharing nothing

reminded that I started this disaster with eyes open and heart broken…

–Summer, 2000

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