Silly (old woman) Girl

If I loved you, life would be easy…

And I believe him, but he doesn’t and he won’t. For two years we have been playing a game of push and pull. Mostly me pulling and him pushing. There are moments that I hate him and I just know I will never speak to him again. I will never let him touch me again… Moments followed by a simple text from him saying absolutely nothing, but it’s enough to shake the intense anger I feel that developed over an 8 minute panic.

But I don’t love you, not like you need it
I don’t love you, good as you are
And when I kiss you, I know that you can feel it
And I see it in your eyes, and it just breaks my heart…

I can feel it. I feel it and, yes, he does know it. He knows that I can’t handle it. We joke about my crazy self, but he knows I’m fragile in relationships. He knows my sickness as well as I do. Why doesn’t he walk away for good. He knows I can’t. He knows I won’t.

But I don’t love you, much as I want to
I don’t love you, no, it would be a lie
And you deserve love, you’re better than a good day
And you’ll find it, but just not in my eyes…

It is a lie. It started out as a lie for him and now to make it all worse it’s a lie for me. But I have tucked him into one of the many compartments of my life where I believe no one will find him. After all, no one knows those places in my head. They are my safe places… Or at least they are the places that I keep hidden so no one can mess with them… Mess with me anymore.

‘Cause it ain’t here love, no
And it just breaks my heart

There are times when I think for a moment that it does, in fact, break his heart. Then I think to myself… “Oh silly, silly, sick little (old woman) girl you must find a way to grow up. No one could possibly care. After all, no one really knows who you are except him…. And, Jason definitely doesn’t love you”.

The lyrics are from Delta Rea’s If I Loved You.

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