I was fishing last weekend with my boyfriend. We do that. We fish. It’s my sanity… getting out on the water is the sanity part. He’s the fisherman actually. He fishes big bass tournaments and is on state teams and things like that. He’s good. I am not. I do it because it’s fun and the scenery keeps me sane. And, I like him alot so it’s fun.
On to the topic … we were winding our way up the river and I looked over and noticed a swan circling his mate… I’m assuming it was a male because it just seemed like it should be that way. He was circling her… her head down… feathers ruffled… not preened and beautiful in that shape of a heart… no. Head down. In fact, her head was under the water.
That’s when I realized she wasn’t alive.
That’s when I realized he knew she wasn’t alive.
That’s when it hit me that he was alone.
That’s when it hit me that he knew he was alone and he was mourning her….
I’ve been married 3 times. I am not good at it. All 3 times I picked men that I knew were very broken. I picked them – as I have learned recently – so that I could fix them to show the world that they weren’t broken. That they were, in fact, good people all along. No. Nope. Impossible. At least the men I picked were never good to begin with and nothing I could do was ever going to fix that…. and now you are saying… oh silly (stupid) woman it wasn’t your job to fix them anyway. And you are right. It wasn’t. I had mommy issues and wanted to actually just make my mom happy and since I couldn’t do that I tried to make anyone else happy instead. That’s what a lot of therapy has helped me come to believe – or tell myself at least.
Point is… here is this poor, poor swan who mates for life. He has lost his soulmate. I sat there with a look on my face, according to my boyfriend, that looked like the world was about to end. I realized that I’ve never had that. I have always been concerned with making the other person happy… I’ve never been concerned with whether I was happy or not. The concept of having a soulmate who would or even could care for me for the rest of my life ??? never.
Honestly I’m not exactly sure where I am going with all of this. I know that I was absolutely breathless looking at this poor swan… but it was more than just a sad animal story. It was as if I could feel this poor swan’s pain… Or, maybe it was my own sudden realization that I have never had that… maybe I suddenly realized that I wanted that in my life? Or, maybe I wondered/wonder if I am even capable of having a relationship like that….
More than anything I want to know what happens to that swan now? As we floated back down the river I refused to look. Later, my boyfriend told me that he was gone. I wondered where he went. Would he be alone forever now? Was he sad? Would he die from loneliness? What would happen to the swan?