you cannot quit me so quickly…

…. but I have all the time for you, love…
— Dave Matthews, The Space Between

I’ve been listening to this a lot lately. Partly because, again, I’m a lyrics gal, but mostly because I’m stuck in these relationships…. relationships described by this song so well and in each of them I am hiding in the space between “their” heart and mine. I’m not all in. I’m not all out. Relationships with others… with myself… with my past and mostly with my fantasies.

… The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain…

Mostly with my fantasies… Most of my life I have lived through my fantasies. Not in a messed up way – nothing screwed up or disgusting. My world was apparently not where my brain felt I could survive and so it came up with alternatives. That works for 6 year olds. 16-17 year olds… They can get away with it. Go off to college and get drunk a lot and cry a lot and no one really thinks your too messed up but after awhile people start to realize that you realize life isn’t rainbows and puppy dogs anymore. Suddenly reality is reality regardless. Life gets hard and shit gets real for everyone. And, here I am.

...We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain…

I love my life. At least at the moment I do – all screwed up and everything. Truth is I wouldn’t know how to live it without all the different relationships I have with everyone – real or not. I wouldn’t know how to live if I had a normal life. I’ve tried it. It didn’t last. I was scared. More scared of normal than screwed up…. No I belong with the lies and warring hearts in The Space Between.

You cannot quit me so quickly
There’s no hope for you in me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I’ve got all the time for you, love.

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