I want fun!

I’m always tired on Sundays. I’m tired from the anxiety of having to “get it together” one more week at school – I’m a teacher. Sometimes I notice the anxiety. Most days I just notice the exhaustion.

I like my job. To say I love it wouldn’t be fair. I don’t understand “love” in any form. But that’s a different entry. Once I actually get myself to 1st period I can do it – at least I can make it until lunch. Then I have an hour and a half before I finish up my last two classes. I’ve bailed on those a couple of times.

I just want to be normal. I want to do what I have to do. I use to want to teach to make a difference. And, the bottom line is that I still do it for that reason. But if I have to be completely honest, I’m simply existing.

I’m simply existing from moment to moment everyday and I HATE it. I want fun! I want enjoyment! I want to just be so lost in bliss that I don’t even recognize who I am…… The sick “who” I am. I use to say I wanted to be normal but screw normal. I want fun!

It is absolutely beautiful outside right now. At the moment I’m finishing up laundry that must be done for the week. I get that. I get the “musts” in life. I just want the “funs”.

I don’t want to be tired – exhausted from the worry of whether I can stand up out of bed tomorrow morning… Get in the shower… Get my hair done… Get in my car… Walk thru the door of the school and actually start 1st period. OMG it seems sooooo scary.

I just want fun!

… just bits of rehab

“And I’ll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don’t even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It’s gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you’re the one to blame”

— rehab, rihanna

I’m a lyric lover – not a genre lover. A song can get me a couple of ways – either the music does it or the lyrics do. I have my limits. I’m sorry. I don’t do opera. I like classical piano because I played classical piano – you can throw in some classical guitar.

Anyway, I digress.

Is there a rehab for stupid girls – no women – who never grow up and over boys (ok, men) who come into their life and mess ’em all up. Or, is it just considered “growing up”? I’m leaning towards that one. I have been through every possible reason for holding onto this guy.

I’m trying to fix him – because that’s what I do. I have 3 ex-husbands to prove it.

Ok… so maybe there is just one reason.

I hate to stoop to the level of saying that I’m bipolar and very BP (borderline) and I have issues.. but I do. *shaking my head* I do.

Truth is, I’m a 47 year old teenager who refuses to give up on an idiot, hot, jackass, who isn’t very hot and IS more than just a jackass.

Seriously, he’s really mean. And, it’s really very stupid that I even consider having him near me… but it’s what I do.

Everyday I wake up and take the risk of getting my heart broken by him…. and I know this and yet I do it …. every day… I do it. And he will do it… and he does it it… over and over…

*shaking my head*

almost 5 am

almost 5:00am

writing what’s on my mind
what’s in my head
a thought, simple –
moving like crazy
round and round
should I do this
BLOCK
STOP
I don’t know.
seriously, I don’t know.
Where did you go?
What just happened?
weird thoughts
just thoughts
no one can make the
right choices for me
not then – not now
can’t follow through on
thoughts so simple
round and round
i just reach up to stop them
wouldn’t it be so easy here
you, me
thoughts here
thoughts there
ever moving
Oh MY God – ever moving
never done
wait
SHIT
it’s done!
why am I afraid to feel…

broken wing (throwback)

drowning in a circle of tears
she sees the bird with the broken wing
it’s out of her control
she still feels the fear

the crying out for attention
she moves closer only to find it’s disappeared
where has it gone?
where does she go now?

slowly life moves closer to her
she wonders when she can feel
when will it be safe again?
pushing away the obvious hunger

none of this makes sense
not the tears, the blood or the pain
it’s all she knows though
no one for her to fight against

don’t run to the medicine closet
the enemy is not hiding there
the broken wing will mend
she will fly away and she will forget…

… the secret (throwback)

the secret

hollering, “let me go!”
what happens now?

you don’t know?
where the hell are you
hiding the answers?
who the hell asked you 
to begin with? 
you should know, i’ll
fight you even though you
see me as a coward!
i have no other choice…

screaming as loud as i can,
“look at me!”

…only to melt into puddles of
exhaustion at your feet!
i would be done with you
if only i didn’t feel the need
to fight for my rights!
why do you think life 
is made this way? 
… i have no idea.